I Want to Bleed Sufi...

...My words would whirl about me in Dervish fashion

There are these moments, where I feel crazed, drunk and I want take ownership of the title drunkard.  Not drunkard in physical terms, passion pure passion like a red silk blazing in the Sun's heat, flailing about in merciless gusts of the wind, and welcoming the mystery of the night.

I am mad, possessed, its an energy that brews up within me, turning churning and whirling about, wanting to propel itself into action, but where?

And so am I here, writing. It has been one month to the day since I have sought out this space, place, the nameless. The struggling writer that I am, struggling for the words, worthy words for you, and worthy words for myself – foolishness I know, I spend too much time in my head as result, brewing with the energy that desires to create, instead I just think and think myself into a frenzy.

So here I am in a frenzied crazed state, in love, in love with love, and life and creation..everything and nothing

Music moves my soul so, it always has, listen to my latest discovery via Pandora in the musical corner

I have decided to keep it raw, keep this space, true to me. The philosophy, the truth, the lessons will be there, but wrapped within me, all that is me. A fabric of my existence..

Yoga is helping me to tame my mind, channelize its energies, understand my heart, source and quell its insecurities so I don’t react. I don’t want to react, I don’t want to be jealous, I don’t want to harbor hatred. Its like a rotted seed that will eventually turn me completely rotten, I can’t risk it. Love love love….

Breath, Breath, Breath…"I am only breath" as Rumi says, I never understood the mystical context behind what he says in that verse.  Pranna the life force as mentioned in the veda, it is all so very connected.  A grand metaphor that is all that each religion is according to Ms. Gilbert says in Eat Pray Love, epiphanic thought don't you think?  The Hopi Indians hypothesized that each religion or spiritual system was just a thread and if sewn together would create a fabric of one ultimate truth..

Persian art, culture, and history have always fascinated me, there is something so mystical about what was Persia.  The coexistence of such fierce faith and innovation, and not just coexistence immersion of the two, passion for the world in the form of art, dance, music, architecture and beyond this world. It is perhaps through this world they were inspired into the world beyond..

“The future comes one day at a time”

My fortune cookie yesterday. I often wonder, why is it that the best of us struggle with the inability to finish something we start. Correction something we dare to start. There are the usual suspects which all end up at fear combined with slothfulness.

I was watching Julie and Julia the other day, and there was a moment where Julie wanted to give up, she said “I’m taking a break” in response to her overbearing mother's inquire as to why she wasn’t cooking that particular night. Other than the obvious fight with her husband which was all to easy to blame her desire to quit on, it was clear she was feeling defeated.  Her mother uncharacteristically ends the phone conversation saying “Don’t quit.  It’ll do you some good to finish something for once in your life. Who knows you actually might learn something.” The scene ends with Julie getting up off bed and heading to the grocery store.

While I am no cook, I too have this problem, unable to finish what I start. I believe its cowardice mixed in with slothfulness. But I want to work through this, I really do believe at the bottom of the task we set out to do, its on its way to completion that we realize a lot about ourselves.

I once read “When you get right down to bottom of the word ‘success’ it means to follow through.” Think about it, how good is the greatest golf swing if you never follow through?

I decided to air this issue out a bit because I think a lot of us struggle with this, and I say this because I can’t really even sum it up in a single word.

The quote I started with is significant in what I’m setting out to do because it takes changing what you do one day at a time, that changes the slope of the line of your life. One day at a time…

Creative Power - What propels us to create?

I wonder about the Creative Power.  What is it that propels us to create? To create Art.  Art in the form of dance, paint, sculpture, song, music. There are countless forms in which we choose to express ourselves.

I mean, here I am writing to you. Is it that we want to connect to one another, up and outside of ourselves? Not just to another, but to have one common experience amongst many others, a thread that embroiders us together on a single fabric of existence.  For instance, when we all observe a dance or a play perhaps we walk away with a different interpretation of the work, but we still share some universal moments within the piece.

I find it intriguing that God has often been referred to as 'The Creative Power'. While I don't understand the 'why' of the creation process, I am aware of the power and magic of it.  As an artist you become nothing but a tool possessed, needing to express what it is that you have to give to the world.  It is not yours to give, or even to create, you are just a messenger, the pen, the voice, the feet and the hand even in the case of the surgeon.

I've been feeling that way as of late.  Possessed with creative power ready to unleash itself. It is such a raw and potent power, like fire. You become both the actor and audience to this happening within the self.  If you are a writer, painter, dancer or any other form of artist you know the "glimmer" I am speaking of here.  If you are a lover you too know the madness and passion that flows through you.

This potent energy flows from each of us through each of us, like the ocean, something that connects us all...

I had a conversation with a man today about how his novel in progress. Being a heavyset married smoker, father of two, and employed in somewhat mundane industry, he never struck me as a man who may be working on a novel, and a scifi thriller at that.  It just goes to show you just how far our prejudgements take us - into a brick wall.  With a smile that spanned from rosy cheek to rosy cheek, he explained"I just had a dream one night, it was so vivid and real. So at 6 in the morning my wife walked in on me typing away thinking what the hell is he up to.  I had to get all down before I forgot it.  And I work on it every now and then. It's nothing I would ever intentionally write about, or am even interested in, it just sort of manifested itself." His story reminded me of Stephanie Meyer's story of how she stumbled upon her novel.  She too had seen a vivid dream of a couple in love one of which was a vampire, and now here she is 4 books and 2 movies later.

The same has happened to me, a story has manifested itself after a year of just simmering silence. Not in the form of a dream but just on paper, nothing that I would have thought or even the courage to write about.

As I head into the tunnel of creation, I am heeding the following advice:  

The Alcazar, Sevilla Spain May 2010

Trying to make progress when the time is not right would be like trying to cook noodles in cold water.  

(I Ching - Book of Changes, http://daoloatse.wordpress.com/01-creative-power/)

Advice from a Great Woman...

I heard the below quote over this past weekend; pearls of wisdom disseminated from Mother Teresa herself.  What she says in the lines that follow liberates us from the transactional nature of all our actions. She simplifies our role in our lives to being both true to ourselves and harboring only kindness in our hearts; unyielding to outside forces that may challenge these principles in whatever form they may come into our lives...

"People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway. If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway. What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway. The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway. Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway. In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway."

Mother Teresa

To Catch a Dream

"I am here this is happening. First two, then me, then three,
the room is filling up.

I try to calm my mind, it flutters,
overwhelms, at the possibilities
of casting a net out wide,
to catch one's dream.

Calm, Calm, Calm..."

Last night, I began my first Gotham Writers Fiction I Class with Evan Rehill. The Class will meet once a week for 10 weeks and I intend to attend every session. The irony is that I was sitting in this same class exactly one year ago.  However after completing my first short story I stopped coming to class. I ran away because of the coward that I was; but more than cowardice, it was my insecurities that were suffocationg my dream;

tying it up until paralyzed into inaction,
tying it up until there is no life.

But my Revival has come! You too, find your dream, cast your net wide, catch it because you can! (not if) ;)

Pride Weekend : "Black, White, Gay, Straight, Love Does Not Discriminate!"

This among others were the chants I heard thousands of people recite down 5th avenue - producing a powerful consortium of sound at this year's Gay Pride Parade in New York.

The above chant being my favorite, intoduces such a lovely idea, that Love in its true form does not discriminate. As I walked through the streets, I saw women, men and children, dressed in all the festive colors of the rainbow. Marching, Chanting, singing, and laughing, they were all supportive of this notion of tolerance and the rights of the individual. Of course there were other chants like,

"We're here, we're queer and we're bringing up the rear!" or,

"1, 2, 3, 4 What the hell are we marching for? Equal rights and nothing more. So come on folks, let's hear you roar! 5, 6, 7, 8 Stop the lies and stop the hate. Open your eyes, it's not too late! Show your pride and celebrate!"

Looking into this sea of people drenched in color and sun, I thought this is how we are all meant to interact with one another - with tolerance...and love.

Why do people run races?

One day, my dad asked “Why do people run races?” while driving me to the bus stop during my morning commute.  In the fleeting moments that I had to come up with something clever, I blurted out the first answer that came to mind, “because we should always be striving toward something”.  I was greeted with a somewhat dissatisfied expression, we then looked onward to the road in silence.

I later asked myself: why do people run races and marathons? While I can’t speak for everyone, I can say for me the motivating factor has been:

to feel something,

to feel alive

     and ultimately

to feel human.

As my mom would say, “Human, in what sense?” attempting to get to the heart of the matter. Human to me means to be part of the human race beyond just the common attributes of the body; instead attributes such as the mind, soul or some kind of universal consciousness.  Unfortunately though I have experienced it to be true, I don’t feel this state of oneness with all on a day to day basis.  We all divvy up into our families, our friends, our jobs, our lives.  That’s the damning characteristic of the ego.

So why run a race?

When we run a race, we all run as one, we are acting as one.  We have one common underlying goal that unites us as brethren and that is to cross the finish line! And to add to that gratifying moment when we do cross that line, the knowing that we are helping raise funds for less fortunate brothers and sisters is all the more rewarding..

So why run at all?

I like to think of it as a physical meditation especially when you run alone. The road twists and turns but you have to keep on moving, even when its up hill.  Walking is acceptable, but stopping indefinitely isn't a choice. For the individual it is the goal setting, of distance and time and the discipline that drives you to persevere to the result of accomplishment. You feel alive with your body, mind and soul fully engaged, pushing yourself to new limits!

Therefore not only do you connect to other humans beings but you also connect to yourself, all in a grandiose state of oneness. So that’s my more well thought out answer;)