Thursday, March 31, 2011

Mosaic: Part I

If you take a mosaic of colored glass and separate them, wouldn't it lose it's beauty? It is the coming together of different colors and pieces that gives stained glass its beauty.

"I am dirty
           and pure
  I am lustful
          and loving...

I am all of these and nothing."

The moment you shove yourself into a category, you lose the wholeness of your self...which is far far above these intellectually defined classifications.

...justs scratched the surface on this one, will be back with more...


Since last November, my life has changed quite drastically.  Often times there comes a point in our lives where the pretty little bow we try to tie our lives up into, comes undone in the most beautiful disaster.  It is a beautiful because this artifical bow needs to come undone for you to be free, a disaster because the very foundation upon which you’ve built your beliefs or tried to build perspective, is false. 

Below is a brief Mosaic of some of the raw epiphanies I have incurred at the beginning of this transformative journey on which I have recently embarked upon…

Metaphors about life have become key to my understanding of change. As things settle down, I am trying to organize life better.  Fill it up with the things I love…

But balance is what I struggle to achieve. I am that person who picks up all the dirty dishes on the dinner table, places it in her tray to be washed, all the while thinking I am so damn great for “balancing”  SO much.  I then attempt to wash all these dishes at once and you can only imagine the “job” that gets done…I take these half washed dishes back into my tray to be put away without letting them dry and suddenly they all come tumbling down from my tray onto the floor slipping off one another…crash my “lifes work” splattered….

This race to do everything at once seems to fail every time.  If yoga has taught me anything it is the focusing of that passion within that can yield real results.  Ultimately in “dish talk” I want beautifully washed dishes making it to the cupboard, even if they are just two in quantity but they should be pristine! Mind you I hate washing dishes, it’s a bit ironic I am using this analogy..maybe the fact that lately with no dishwasher I find myself doing dishes quite often..

Question: Do I fill up my life with all these peripheral activities to dress it up so as to cover up the lack of what’s inside?

Answer: While I don’t believe I have been consciously running away from myself, I haven’t really been with ME, understood me, developed me and created a life long relationship with myself; but I am working to remedy this now…it is in these in between moments where I just sit and reflect on my experiences through these external endeavors, when I internalize them, that I understand or begin to understand me….

I can’t quite identify where I am - I am taking inventory, I am taking a moment to just figure out what has happened and what I want to do now so that I can determine where I end up…I don’t know where I want to end up…But that question doesn’t plague me so much, because I’ve realized much like I breath so to my hearts desires breathe and change in what it wants.  What I want today may different from tomorrow…

I have successfully fought being shoved into a category, a type, a template, a catalogue a checklist…so here I am with a blank slate of possibilities for my future and I feel comfortable. I feel as though I am breathing in and out…I like the question marks or rather there are no question marks just nothingness, even the question marks that were are disappearing before me, because I am starting to ask less of “will” and rather just experience….life is easier that way, and you leave the rest to the higher powers that be.

For a moment I am standing still in the rain, umbrellaless, with the danger of being sick every now and then very much present BUT free, free, free…. sometimes still…and sometimes dancing…

With a birthday looming, I am starting to think life is so short when you really put it into perspective. Part of it even seems pointless.  Why are we so worried about things that are out of our control, that truly don’t impact our lives for very long relative to the entire span of our lives, and that impact is really up to us afterall based on our attitudes and outlook?  

There’s this underlying pointlessness that lingers when I think of the future not in this apathetic way but just, after all is said and done and we strive to accomplish whatever…why does it matter? I suppose you find yourself through that journey, of aspiring to do something.  As I age and experience, I am becoming less and less attached to results, circumstances and people.  I know this is something I needed to work on…its happening…

Existing, striving, and floating forward…