Monday, October 17, 2011

Universal Support & Faith

It’s funny after I wrote the entry about my three key words I intend to focus on, I started to hear them around me, people saying them during the activities I decided to pursue. "Mental discipline" and "Agility" and "Focus", all at various points of the day, the week,  and activity…

“Tina, Focus!” My yoga teacher says, as my gaze waivered during the second repetition of our posture, I knew where to gaze but my mind had just run away with itself…

In a boot camp I am grouped with the instructor and 2 other larger men to pass around a 20lb weight ball which for the petite woman I am, no small a feat…”Agility!” He says…

Another class, another instructor he puts us through the ringer of physical torment “Mental discipline! Its beyond physical” He says….

And each time I smiled knowing I was supported, and am supported so long as I stay dedicated to my cause, my cause being to better myself:)

Somehow, that support comes in moments when you feel like there is no one but you, yourself supporting you, hoisting you up, you are the poll, you are the flag, and the person you hoists the flag up to sway freely in the days wind…thought it is often exhausting as you fight against the grain, the negativity of your mind, the disbelief of others, circumstance. You fight to stay positive to keep your head above the water, gasping for air for fear that you might drown…but drown you will not! These are all the tests on the adventure you have embarked upon toward self discovery…

You must be constant, constant in your faith, your faith in yourself, in the goodness of others, and above all that universe is taking care of you – it always has, and always will


Before you can achieve, before you can "do", before you can walk upon the path to success, you must have conviction, you must have faith that “I CAN”…too often do we succumb to our own negativity and own fears, and more often than that do we not listen to our voice, the voice of reason – our instincts

And in the end, all can be healed the heart, no matter what happens along our little journey :)

When I graduated from Yoga Teacher training, my teacher selected by “chance” the very sutra I chose to present:

Yoga Sutra 1.20: Sraddhaviryasmrtisamadhiprajna purvaka itaresam
“Trough faith, which will give sufficient energy to achieve success against all odds, direction will be maintained”

Sunday, October 9, 2011

"Showing up" & Inter-connectivity

"Showing up"….
I’m here I’m doing this….I have showed up, they always say that just "showing up" is often the hardest thing to do.  I am scared, afraid…worried that I will fail but I am here thinking about trying rather than denying myself of the opportunity or rather the right I have to take that chance I owe myself to write…that is to be a writ ERrr

Life seems to surprise me, just when when I am ready to run away or call my bluff or be the coward that I want to be because its so much easier to collapse and whither away…somehow I escape from the cage my mind tries to build itself…

I am living I am truly living at this moment addressing my fears head on….or attempting to make that effort to unravel and face them full on…


Today I heard a new yoga teacher teach her first class.  I say heard intentionally here, as she reminded me of something or rather validated a theory that I have known in my heart to be true (therefore the validation was for my mind rather than the intuitive knowingness of my heart), that once heard echoed aloud by another gave it all the validation I needed…that YES someone too thinks the way I do…

She talked about whether the small changes we make in our lives matter or impact not only us but others around us.  What good is it really if we make these changes if we don’t see the result or the good it does its effect…We sort of make changes like recycling verses being wasterful or cycling verses driving…but are we really making an impact, will this really make a difference?

And she said yes, the answer is yes! Her assuredness in the way she said yes struck me, or rather struck a chord, the tone of that yes was somewhere between knowing and not knowing but it was on its way to somewhere new, somehwere higher, an elevated place of thinking and feeling and doing…

I never thought about it, I never thought about truly the impact of my actions on others.  I understand direct impact like not hurting someone with my words but the indirect impact, the indirect impact of my actions… I have contemplated it but not wound up at a conclusion because of the very nature of the question, the impact the conclusion itself was just so indirect from me...

And the conclusion is yes! There is an impact of everything, we are interconnected! I have heard this idea proposed in the movie Before sunrise directed by Richard Linklater…each action has a rippling effect, like the rock that breaks a still waters surface, like the smile you smile at someone and they smiles at another and so on...

I think the air we breathe is a symbol of this, we are all on the same earth….I think about for example in my own life, the change of one thought can change the slope of the line of one’s whole life, the pace at which they move, the direction and ultimately where they wind up. And well if I could help another change the slope of their line then we are changed togther and thats two and if we all collectively changed together, the impact of our change is much larger…we are truly just drops part of the same ocean underneath it all becoming apart of a wave of change, the ocean, the river will flow different if we create a new current!  I look at whats happening with the riots in europe the middle east, the UK and now our own shores in New York. And while Occupy Wall Street may still be formulating and refining what it is that they hope to achieve, the point is they have shown up, and it started with just 1 rippling many into action.

One of the most important visionarys of our time Steve Jobs captured the power behind one individual in this quote  "The people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world… Are the ones who do." I mean Steve did it!  It starts with one and then two and then...He revolutionized computing, its accessibility and created a subculture of Apple users, he created a community.

While playing soccer I watched a group of people playing Quiddictch (the outdoor game played in Harry Potter using broom sticks), and I watched these people in awe and a slight air of ridicule as we all did on that soccer field.  But in the few moments of clarity I did have in between my juding, I thought - so this is is how change occurs, someone dares to be different and it seems to catch fire! 

I mean look at the effect of a single yoga teacher's quotes on me, which has lead me to contemplate and write this piece, which you are now reading and may spark you to speak, think or do...

I wonder when I will consider myself wise enough to be the yoga teacher and writer I am within.  But I can say this for now, I am working at it. I have mustered up the courage, the courage that fuels me forward to dare to endeavor to go after something I truly want and while I may possibly experiece the pangs of failure -but oh the taste of triumph…now that is something fighting for!!

Bed bugs & Excess Baggage

(Written on September 3rd...up until now I was too scared, too ashamed to publish...soo much for that! *poof*)

I am sort of in the middle of this idea, again an idea that’s been introduced by you know the elders that I am trying to try on for size to see if it makes sense you know.

For starters the lights have been turned on and I’ve realized I’ve been the one who’s in the dark…imagine the introspective "so in touch with myself"..self.

Its hard or rather its, I’m finding this difficult.  Really looking at myself and figuring this out. So I’ve had bed bugs, yes the age old “city” problem and its forced me to examine quite a bit aside from clothes and the apartment and where they f’ing came from:  My mind, the power of my thinking that is to say my perspective and most of all my attachment to my worldly possessions I’ve come to hoard over my financially prosperous years.

I have, or rather…currently, in the present at this very moment, I take things for granted! Surprise, surprise..I thought I was this virtuous, saint who was not used to a certain kind of cushy lifestyle.  And yes while I was the one who affordeds myself with this lifestyle, I suppose the ease with which I was able to do so, I somwhere along the way started to just take it all for granted, as an expectation, rather than a privilege or something to be gratuitous for…

This is just a minor revelation of the major ones that I’m sure are to follow from my shattering cushy world I have designed.  Yes, yes I see the cosmic reason for all this, yadda yadda…It seems I descended down to the material plane of life and became very very comfortable…

“See what happens when you stop paying attention for a bit?”

What amazes me is the level of my attachment to my physical appearance, to the textiles and metals with which I adorn myself with…and truly adorn myself.  I’ve come to worship myself, become full of myself

The remedy to this vanity that I’ve been lugging around that has manifested itself into “stuff” that I “deserve”…INTROSPECTION plenty plenty kind of it like water ;)

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

The Road to Spring - Change

Life comes at you in peaks and troughs...I have had one BIG trough with my writing. The confidence seems to come and go. But when I read my works in progress, I have faith. I see things and themes, and phrases and colors in them I never saw before.

My latest regiment has been to be

These are the key characteristics I need to accomplish anything meaningful. I am simply strengthening these weakened mental muscles of mine.

As I declutter my life both internally and externally this is my mantra.  I found that I would create these impossible workout regiments (for that matter, anything I loved, I would make it impossible to accomplish) and with the changes that come with say breathing or living or life's general circumstantial unpredictability my schedule would be upset because I was not agile and therefore I lost focus. You see discipline only took me so these are the 3 things I am zeroing in on at the moment, the building blocks of my self.

I have been writing on and off these past months since May, my last entry. I plan to put together another mosaic so please be on the look out! The fall is here, and I too mimic this seasons remains but all things unecessary or unsustainable whither away, as they should, as is life...the process of moving forward and making way for spring!


Tuesday, May 17, 2011

On the Heart

I find that as you give your heart grows. (Okay so its not a discovery I came upon myself – its wisdom that was imparted to me by a wise sage, that I well tried out).  For once your action is not a transfer of energy, not another transaction.  I believe the purest form of the heart is a neutral energy that is actually energized by acting beyond the interests of the finite.  When you recognize that the finite is a false reality, that the finite is in truth not only part of, but in actuality IS the infinite… you feel your heart expand.  Energy can neither be created nor destroyed BUT it can expand!

My heart feels a little gassy tonight…in a good way ;)

Let it roll off your back
     Every frown
     Every angry word
     Every spiteful deed
     Every mean spirited look
     Every hurt
     Every pain
           Caused by you or another
           To yourself or another
Roll off your back

Shake it off
     Like rain drops
     Let them glide downward

No use in holding onto that which is not useful
And when it has rolled off your back
     Absorb it
     Love it
 And take it into your heart

Our hearts are vast strong cavernous places
There’s a lot of room in there ;)

Friday, April 1, 2011


Another night as the clock ticks, I lie awake.  My muse is not a muse anymore it is much more, she taps her feet in urgency. “It’s time” she says, I am nervous but I trust and beyond all rational thought I am here the vessel, the vehicle, the pen, that is meant to allow that creative force to manifest with a message (at times you have to be just a little crazy to believe in the forces beyond).  The message that we are not alone, that on some subtle plane, in some subtle way, through some subtle thread our hearts and minds are strung together…what this string is and why I do not know..

When you open up your heart to a total “stranger” (in truth there are no strangers) do you see the connection? That somehow despite our differences in external circumstance,  that our experience or interpretation of this tide of experience is the same.  Somehow while our views, our lense of the world may be different, we are going through the same currents, the same waves, we are in the same ocean, experiencing the same storms, the same tempests.  They appear different because of our lense…

The waves rise high above
They crash and splash above high rock
The rock remains untouched
The wave slithers off the rock back into the vast
Again the wave rises up
Again the rock remains untouched
Again the wave slides back

Until one day the effects of the wave are seen
The rock is now smooth where the wave had touched
A subtle touch that spanned eons
      And manifested change

Change is that spark, that spiraling effect, it is a beginning…

There is this idea of gross to subtle that was introduced during my yoga training.  Everything that exists in gross matter has some subtle existence as well, and while an ax can spilt wood physically, even before the ax hits the wood in gross form it has already split on a subtle level.  Tai chi tactics fall under this philosophy, the idea of splitting wood occurs on an energetic subtle plane before it actually splits gross matter.  This is an additional lense added on to my personal kaleidoscope lens of my world view.  Often we are so consumed with the literal, that is exactly in front of us because it is so much more tangible, easier, safe to believe in this literality of life. No risks…but I think it is in the subtle that the truth lies, I know it inherently, and this knowingness is beyond words. I have yet to experience its essence, because I don’t know what the truth is…

I find that language, even as a writer is a vice.  It can be limiting. There are things truly lost in translation, perhaps that is why we create art in the form of dance, word, and play…sculpture and paint.  We try to express that which is beyond words, and there is so much beyond language.  Experience is BEYOND language.  Language is just one simple tool, but it cannot truly convey what is in our hearts, the depth, the magnitude, the trouble the gratitude…the life, the force the passion…even the word passion does not feel enough to me.

Sometimes I do not want to speak, I do not want to write, but then I am left with nothing, no means of expression…

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Mosaic: Part I

If you take a mosaic of colored glass and separate them, wouldn't it lose it's beauty? It is the coming together of different colors and pieces that gives stained glass its beauty.

"I am dirty
           and pure
  I am lustful
          and loving...

I am all of these and nothing."

The moment you shove yourself into a category, you lose the wholeness of your self...which is far far above these intellectually defined classifications.

...justs scratched the surface on this one, will be back with more...


Since last November, my life has changed quite drastically.  Often times there comes a point in our lives where the pretty little bow we try to tie our lives up into, comes undone in the most beautiful disaster.  It is a beautiful because this artifical bow needs to come undone for you to be free, a disaster because the very foundation upon which you’ve built your beliefs or tried to build perspective, is false. 

Below is a brief Mosaic of some of the raw epiphanies I have incurred at the beginning of this transformative journey on which I have recently embarked upon…

Metaphors about life have become key to my understanding of change. As things settle down, I am trying to organize life better.  Fill it up with the things I love…

But balance is what I struggle to achieve. I am that person who picks up all the dirty dishes on the dinner table, places it in her tray to be washed, all the while thinking I am so damn great for “balancing”  SO much.  I then attempt to wash all these dishes at once and you can only imagine the “job” that gets done…I take these half washed dishes back into my tray to be put away without letting them dry and suddenly they all come tumbling down from my tray onto the floor slipping off one another…crash my “lifes work” splattered….

This race to do everything at once seems to fail every time.  If yoga has taught me anything it is the focusing of that passion within that can yield real results.  Ultimately in “dish talk” I want beautifully washed dishes making it to the cupboard, even if they are just two in quantity but they should be pristine! Mind you I hate washing dishes, it’s a bit ironic I am using this analogy..maybe the fact that lately with no dishwasher I find myself doing dishes quite often..

Question: Do I fill up my life with all these peripheral activities to dress it up so as to cover up the lack of what’s inside?

Answer: While I don’t believe I have been consciously running away from myself, I haven’t really been with ME, understood me, developed me and created a life long relationship with myself; but I am working to remedy this now…it is in these in between moments where I just sit and reflect on my experiences through these external endeavors, when I internalize them, that I understand or begin to understand me….

I can’t quite identify where I am - I am taking inventory, I am taking a moment to just figure out what has happened and what I want to do now so that I can determine where I end up…I don’t know where I want to end up…But that question doesn’t plague me so much, because I’ve realized much like I breath so to my hearts desires breathe and change in what it wants.  What I want today may different from tomorrow…

I have successfully fought being shoved into a category, a type, a template, a catalogue a checklist…so here I am with a blank slate of possibilities for my future and I feel comfortable. I feel as though I am breathing in and out…I like the question marks or rather there are no question marks just nothingness, even the question marks that were are disappearing before me, because I am starting to ask less of “will” and rather just experience….life is easier that way, and you leave the rest to the higher powers that be.

For a moment I am standing still in the rain, umbrellaless, with the danger of being sick every now and then very much present BUT free, free, free…. sometimes still…and sometimes dancing…

With a birthday looming, I am starting to think life is so short when you really put it into perspective. Part of it even seems pointless.  Why are we so worried about things that are out of our control, that truly don’t impact our lives for very long relative to the entire span of our lives, and that impact is really up to us afterall based on our attitudes and outlook?  

There’s this underlying pointlessness that lingers when I think of the future not in this apathetic way but just, after all is said and done and we strive to accomplish whatever…why does it matter? I suppose you find yourself through that journey, of aspiring to do something.  As I age and experience, I am becoming less and less attached to results, circumstances and people.  I know this is something I needed to work on…its happening…

Existing, striving, and floating forward…

Sunday, January 2, 2011

...And the Film reel keeps rolling

Once my mind likes something it plays the movie of that experience over and over, like an addiction.  I become addicted to this idea and can’t seem to let go like an obsession. No matter that I have gone beyond taking pleasure in this idea or memory to somewhere dark, where the thought is almost mechanical..

A chair, a table, and screen.  Sterile walls, the room is empty. A projector sits on table as you sit on a the chair neither uncomfortable or comfortable.  There is no color, just a reel that reels forward projecting images before you onto a screen.  It is dark, the only light is the projector light. All that can be heard is the reel and your own breath.  On this screen you see images, images that have no sequence but somehow are familiar.  You have seen them somewhere else. 

The reel keeps reeling forward, images upon images, some evoke a mood of sadness, some happiness and others nothingness just memories, familiar experiences. It is unknown how much time has passed while in this room or even if there is a concept of time here.  Suddenly the reel has no more film, yet it keeps reeling forward and there is only light projected onto the screen.  This is what life could be if we stopped for a moment…just pure light.

In Transit...

There is something that happens to time when you travel. It sort of becomes irrelevant.  Surreal even, with all the time zones we sort of “float” through from one to the next, existing.  Just breathing for a moment, in transit.  Accepting this state of being…I wish I could accept this to be the accurate state of existence, its in that moment that the truth lies. 

I am chasing after shadows holding onto impermanence like sand; it slips through my fingers leaving dusty remnants of once what was – such is time, a desert with mirages that keep us drudging forward the hope of some new acquisition some new pleasure only to fade, luxurious castles of sand, with one gust of the almighty wind, it is swept away, engulfed into a drifting tide.. part of the story of another dune…impermanent in all its glory and experience…fleeting

And yet we hold on? Because we are seeking permanence we are seeking the truth something to hold on to something to hold on to us lest we drift away and disappear – but disappearance is inevitable….acceptance is what we need to work toward….its what I need to work toward. Acceptance of this state of impermanence in which we currently exist…

But the question is then do we really exist if all we know is impermanence? Changing, temporary, not ours to own to have forever…what is forever? A false promise of time….

A Candy shop...

I am that child, that child we have all seen.  The one who doesn’t want to leave the toy store, who only wants a particular toy.  The child whose parents negotiate and plead and eventually steal her away from the store forcefully.  We have been painful witnesses to these scenes thinking “Why can’t she just have the one toy?”

The child is then taken to a candy store and then begs and pleads to have only a specific type of sweet the kind that would rot her teeth.  She cries and cries for this specific sweet, negotiates pleads prays to parent Gods but to no avail.  The parents then forcefully take her away and out from the store

…this is my condition…this is our condition we hold on and on…and when the mirages slip away we wonder why?